Out of the Box

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March 23, 2007 at 17:15:55

Out of the Box

by Dan Joseph Page 1 of 3 page(s)

http://www.awakeningpath.com

When I was a child, I realized that it was fairly easy to get people’s approval.

Work hard, say something smart, or simply be "nice," and people would give you all sorts of positive vibes. It seemed like a reasonable deal. I liked feeling approved-of, and it wasn’t too hard to play the game. At least, not at first.

However, as I got older, the stakes began to rise. I remember when this first hit me. I was in school, and my friends were learning how to read. I already knew how to read, so the teacher turned to me and said, "Danny, everyone else gets a star when they read these words. But if you want your stars, you’ll have to spell them."

Spell them? Words like February? Autumn? Whoa. Suddenly this wasn’t so easy. I struggled. Other people racked up their gold stars quicker than me. It felt a bit humiliating. But I tried hard, and eventually got my approval.

Soon after that, they moved me out of the classroom, into the grade above me. Then I was enrolled in weekend computer programs. And so on. The stakes kept accelerating. But by that point, I was hooked. I needed the approval that came with success. So I slogged through whatever was in front of me.

Fast forward ten years or so. I’m graduating from a top college. I’ve had some writing accepted at a major publisher. Everyone is impressed. And I’ve become so addicted to approval that I’m on the verge of a breakdown.

The stakes are now impossibly high. How can I impress people even more? What can I do to get more of that elusive approval? The people who know me are a bit jaded by now – or perhaps, they’ve just come to expect the best. It’s pretty hard to get their interest. I’m getting nervous.

And then, there came a fateful day. My writing was published, and the first two reviews filtered in. The first review was filled with praise and appreciation. And the other was (or at least, it felt) filled with contempt and scathing disapproval.

What a shock that was. A lack of positive approval was painful enough. But scathing disapproval? That review – and some of the other responses I received – shook me so deeply that I didn’t write anything else for seven years. It was quite a blow.

The Box
It would have been nice to turn over a new leaf at that point. I wish I had said, "Well, that’s that! I guess I can’t get everyone’s approval. What a relief to be free of all that!"

Unfortunately, though, I was in a trap. I didn’t see it at the time. In fact, it took me many years before I was willing to admit it. But the fact was that I was boxed up in a belief system like this:

All that matters is other people’s
opinions of me.

It sounds ridiculous. But virtually every decision I made was calculated to get other people’s approval. I didn’t do volunteer work because I wanted to; I did it because other people considered it noble. I didn’t act "nice" because I particularly felt that way; I acted nice because I wanted people to like me.

It was a prison. And I stayed in it because I harbored the hope that somehow, someday, I would finally succeed at getting everyone’s good opinion. What a wonderful day that would be! I just needed to be smarter, wiser, more "together," more accomplished. I could do it. It could be done.

And then things in my life began to collapse. Relationships unraveled. Businesses failed. Creative projects fizzled out. I couldn’t keep my emotions together. I couldn’t look "cool." Like sand passing through my fingers, the hope of universal approval trickled away.

There came a day when I finally accepted that, indeed, I had failed – and would always fail – to get everyone’s good opinion. It was over. I had no hope left.

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www.DanJoseph.com

Dan Joseph has been writing about the connection between spirituality and psychology for the past ten years. He is the author of two books: "Inspired by Miracles" and "Inner Healing."

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